ALT-XMAS

Christmas is a time of goodwill, mulled wine and relentless capitalism. Every year it’s the same old story: we endure the same undercooked food and conversation and fake smiles when presented with unwanted presents and TV ‘Specials’ (Mrs Brown’s Boys I’m looking at you). Well, it’s high time that we tear down the mistletoe, uproot the Christmas tree and deck the halls with Serge Gainsbourg posters.

Follow these simple steps to ensure you too enjoy an alternative little Christmas this year.

Food

Forget Turkey; endangered bird is this years’ must-have meat. Ditch the predictable pomp and ceremony that comes with potatoes and carrots in favour of flavoursome roasted Californian Condor with steamed kohlrabi and Jamaican sorrel jam. For drinks, try warm kookaburra blood with a dash of Red Stripe. Or, for the more adventurous feast, chow down on Manuka honey-roasted Bengal Florican with fennel pollen Yuca mash and baked suncoke chips. Yummy!

Alt rating: 5/5

Presents

presents

Giving presents can be fun, but it’s also pretty damn mainstream. Besides, who wants to help prop up a global capitalist economic infrastructure that perpetuates greed and inequality? Swap gift giving for witty banter and niche references. Topics of conversation could include whether David Foster Wallace should’ve won the Pulitzer Prize for The Pale King and to what extent the pulling of The Interview from cinemas spells the end of subversive big screen film-making. Or just talk about your vinyl collection. And if you can’t help but yield to those totemic consumerist forces, then at least clothe your capitalism in hipster garms: gift vouchers for this Shoreditch cereal café would be a sweet deal for all parties.

Alt rating: 3/5

The Queens Speech

queen        

The Queen’s Speech is watched by millions yet nobody really cares. Play your part in Russell ‘Revolution’ Brand’ political plan and do something that matters. Perform spoken word renditions of Queen’s greatest B-Sides, including ‘I’m in Love with my Car’, ‘My Melancholy Blues’ and ‘Tenement Funster’ for some hilarious republican banter.

Alt rating: 4/5

Christmas tree

zebra tree

It may be a 500 hundred year old tradition to decorate trees, but traditions are there to be changed. Say goodbye to the tacky, drooping eyesores and begin a new tradition of your own. Try hanging baubles from your taxidermy zebra or other stuffed paraphernalia. Can’t afford taxidermy because of too many trips to the cereal café? Then do it yourself.

Alt rating: 5/5

Christmas Carols

carols

Silent Night should heed its own advice and shut the fuck up. Play old 90s Christmas cassettes over the top of one another to create a layered, atmospheric, truly ironic Christmas sound. WHAM, however, can stay for good.

Alt rating: 3/5

Illustrations by Hannah Peck Illustration