BOOK REVIEW: HARRY CLOTTER

Harry Clotter was not a boy like any other. Brought up by his Aunt and Uncle, and their son Pud-ley, (raspberry fools the lot of them) he spent his childhood being bullied and made to feel like a spotted dick. However, at the age of gas mark eleven he discovered that he was in fact a wizard and would be attending Hogroasts Skewer of Kitchen-craft and Chicory, where students are divided into four Spices: Griffin’slaw, Raisin-claw, Hufflepuff-pastry and A-Slytherine-of-Cake. He met Scone Weasley and Jamione Granger, and these three best friends soon became known as the Cream Teas.

Yet, his destiny was not all so sweet. He is plagued throughout his Hogroasts years by the dark whip-ard Mouldy-torte (aka He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Eaten), who had tried to kill Harry when he was a babybel, the event which had earned Harry the moniker ‘The Boy who Sieved’ throughout the Wizarding world.

In the Cream Tea’s first year Mouldy-torte attempts to steal the Falafel-ers Stone. He then reappears in the form of an interactive recipe book, which sucks little Gin Weasley into the Cham-beer of Secrets, and Harry only just manages to save her from the dreaded Basilwhisk.

The third year sees Scone’s pet rat transform into the tasteless human Pitta Breadigrew, who escapes in order to assist his master Mouldy-torte. Next, Harry finds himself drawn into the international Triwizard Bake-off, and has to deal with the rotten writing of crunchy journalist Ryvita Skeeter. The Bulgarian Viktor Crumb charms Jamione, much to Scone’s disgust, and in a weird-tasting turn of events an imposter Mud-Pie Moody hijacks the Triwizard Eggcup. Bread-erick Figgery (who is demolished by Mouldy-torte) and Harry are transported to a graveyard where Clotter witnesses Mouldy-torte’s return after a bain-marie in a cauldron.

In Harry’s fifth year, the Ministry of Magic interferes at Hogroasts and in response he establishes Crumbledore’s Army. Several key members of this group, including Spoon’a Lovepud, end up fighting Mouldy-torte’s followers at the Ministry. During the battle, Harry’s godfather Syrupus Blackcurrent, whom he had only been reunited with a couple of years earlier, is tragically snaffled by a curtain.

The final volumes are bittersweet; Fried and Grilled Weasley start up a wildly successful wizarding yoke shop, and unfortunately it transpires that Mouldy-torte has divided himself into seven Horcruxed buns. Luckily, Apple Crumbledore, the school’s centre-piece and signature dish, has uncovered Mouldy-torte’s secret and the way to def-eat him. The pet cake Meringuini is slayed and Mouldy-torte loses all his power.

These books are full of indulgent adventure; jaunts into the Forbidden-Forest Gateau and the near-explosion of Harry’s Aunt Margerine amongst others. Characters such as Harry’s blonde-haired arch-nemesis Cake-o Mouthful, the slightly soft Minister for Magic Vanillius Fudge and Keeper of the Kitchens Chew-bius Hagrid provide a rich filling to the Cream Tea’s many escapades. The icing on the cake is Apple Crumbledore’s words of advice and wisdom. A must-eat.