February 19 – March 20
With Neptune in your sign, one of your dreams will finally come true this month. Unfortunately, it will be the one where nothing makes sense and you get hazily sodomised by Delia Smith. Be careful what you wish for.

March 21 – April 19
As your fellow Aries Adolf Hitler once said “The bigger lie you tell, the more people will believe it.” As you will soon discover though, telling people you only have a month to live just so you can go on holiday during term time is not exactly the most foolproof of plans.

April 20 – May 20
Regardless of your gender, for some unknown reason you will become infatuated with Lad Culture this month. After a prolonged period of great bant however, you will go one rape joke too far (one) and find yourself in deep trouble with just about everyone who isn’t a prick. Beware of feminists/anyone who is mildly intelligent.

May 21 – June 20
Be prepared for upheaval in your love life, as you come home from a hard day wearing joggers in public to find your partner in the bath with all the bouncers from The Lemmy. Single? Don’t worry – that’s not going to change for a while.

June 21 – July 22
Keep an eye on your laptop this month. With Mars as your ruling planet, you are destined for a fall as your housemates decide that it’s a good idea to send emails containing graphic sexual imagery to your grandmother.

July 23 – August 22
You are a street walking lion with a heart full of napalm and you don’t take no for an answer. Surprisingly, people resent you for this. Be more pragmatic.

August 23 – September 22
This month you will feel more embattled than your fellow Virgo and President of Syria, Bashar al-Assad. However, without your own security forces, you will have to take matters into your own hands. Show no mercy.

September 23 – October 22
This month, your excessively superstitious nature will prevent you taking full advantage of exciting opportunities that arise in your life. Beware of lucrative job offers.

October 23 – November 21
Who are you? Where have you come from? If these are the sort of questions one of your elderly relatives is asking you this month, then be sure to refer them to the appropriate specialist.

November 22 – December 21
As a Sagittarius, you are a true animal lover, and this will always be a source of great happiness in your life. After being caught in a compromising position with a Border Collie however, this love will come to define you for all the wrong reasons. From now on, always lock your doors.

December 22 – January 19
After a series of slightly humiliating events, you will become increasingly self-conscious this month and begin to ask questions of yourself. Did you peak in 2009? Does your mother still love you? Unless it’s true, the key is not to worry.

January 20 – February 18
With Saturn as your ruling planet, you will begin to try new things this month, opening your mind to a whole host of brand new experiences. However, after cultivating a really lame addiction to Mephedrone, you will begin to despair upon realising that everyone was doing it ages ago and that it actually gets really weird, really quickly.