ODES TO OBSOLESCENCE

Time, as a rule, has always moved in a generally forward direction – religions rise and fall, science progresses, politicians are replaced by slightly more media savvy versions of the same politicians – but the internet has really sped up the process. Trends come and go in the blink of a retweet, and cultural mainstays disappear quicker than you type ‘Ashanti 2014’ into Google. So, in celebration of all the things you care about dying, here is a list of songs about things the internet has made obsolete:

 

Postman? WTF is a postman? Oh right, the guy I shouted at for pretending to knock the door, then claiming I’m not in and dumping my Amazon package in a godforsaken industrial estate in the middle of nowhere. Aren’t they replacing those with drones? Besides, I was ordering a Kindle, so pretty soon those drones will useless too.

 

Ok, so I’m not a 100% on what a pager is, but throwing it out the window seems like the most useful thing you could do with one in 2014. Honorable Obsolete Mentions: Michelle Williams, Kelly Rowland, The Other One.

 

So long as there are 13 year olds with a love of Tim Burton films, black nail varnish and shouting things like ‘I hate you mum!’, The Cure themselves will never be obsolete. Letters, however, have definitely gone the way of the dodo. When was the last time you received an actual letter, from another actual human being? Gmail has seen to that, or Yahoo if you’re a 1000 years old.

 

While Morrissey himself is still struggling to remain relevant by claiming animals are the original humans or whatever, some of his songs have given up the ghost. Ask a human something? Lol, I think you mean Ask Jeeves, babes. No, wait, that’s obsolete too. He also mentions something called shyness, which I think MySpace effectively destroyed in the mid noughties, before it too was consumed. Also something about writing ‘verse’, which I think was the Vine to the novel’s YouTube.

This is by no means a definitive list of the internet’s casualties, mainly because I couldn’t find a decent song about fax machines, but also because it’s something that’s happening every single day, and once something is gone, it generally is forgotten too. Just look in your draw full of old 3Gless phones, and know that the one you’ve got in your pocket will one day join them in this mass grave. Followed by your laptop. Followed by your tablet. Followed by your pets. Followed by your friends and family. Until, eventually, they are all followed by…