SEX PROBLEMS

Dear Exetera,

I am a big time player with a stocky build, washboard abs and an obnoxious attitude that the ladies love. But I have a problem. Coming to university was the best decision of my life, as from day one (or should I say night one ;]), I was literally up to my neck in hot Hollister-wearing honeys. And it was great, although I’m now in dire straits. I’m not sure how to put this, but you could say that in the last few months I’ve been involuntarily promoted to the Prem-ier League, or that my sex life has turned into the film “Gone in 60 Seconds”. It’s really getting me down, to the point where I don’t even have the desire to get topless in The Lemmy any more. What should I do?  

Yours,
Anon

Dear Anon,

As you have quite rightly suggested, what you’ve got is a nasty case of “the prems”. This is a common condition that afflicts many men, and can be dealt with quite easily. All you need to do is be in the right state of mind whilst having sex – when it comes to premming, it really is all in your head. The best way to prevent premature ejaculation is to think of the most disgusting things you can ever imagine during intercourse. Why not pretend, for example, that the woman you are sleeping with is rapidly decaying, or Jodie Marsh? If this doesn’t work then you should probably consult a doctor, (or a psychiatrist).

Exetera

Dear Exetera,

Thanks for your great advice! Everything is brilliant now. 

Yours,
Anon

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Dear Exetera,

I am about to graduate, and I really want to get with all the guys who have eluded me so far throughout my degree. How would I go about doing this?

Lucy

Dear Lucy,

What you are talking about here is generally known as “Goldrushing”. In order to get with all the hot guys you’ve always wanted to but haven’t yet during your time at Exeter, time is of the essence: act fast. Start off by poking them all on Facebook, followed by the message: “I hope you can reciprocate that sometime during Grad Week ;]”. If that doesn’t work, then why not just ask them to have sex with you? The only thing guys love more than honesty is blunt, unexpected sexual advances, so go for it.

All the best,

Exetera