Commies. Champagne Socialists. Hippies. As functional and irresistibly devastating as these terms are for describing your average Leftie, they are beginning to show their age. In a time where your average middle class communist is more identifiable by their multi-coloured skinny jeans than patented Che memorabilia, it’s time the Right moved insulting Left-wingers into the 21st Century. So, here’s six ways to get those monarchy-hating pacifists right between the thick-rimmed glasses:

Starbucks-drinking, iPad-toting tent-dwellers

I refer, of course, to the Occupy Movement which so blighted the streets and desecrated our lawns. A motley crew of Marxist ‘intellectuals’ and unwashed bohemians, nothing exposes them better than the iPads from which they recited their diatribes against worldwide capitalism.

Beenie-wearing smoothie-drinking tax dodgers  

Forever drinking the condensed components of a compost bin, with beanie hats clinging to their heads, in a vain attempt to perpetuate adolescence. You see, with adulthood comes taxes, and then comes the horrifying realisation that ‘tax the rich’ means taxing you.

Radical post-post-pre-feminist and anti-racist Euro-radicals

With every new Left-wing ‘ism’ comes a new identity, then a new ‘post-ism’ revision, and all of the meaningless conjecture in between. A damning indictment indeed then: there is little the Leftie intelligentsia dislikes more than the perspective it held three months ago.    

The Latter Day Evangelical Church of the Obamarite Ascension  

Nothing upsets the chattering hipsters of Britain more than the thought that one wealthy, Christian, American male might have beaten Barack Obama – another wealthy, Christian, American male – to the Presidency. Much like the Mormons, screaming that Jesus was an American, the British Left’s mindless devotion to the Obamarite cause is superbly ironic in its delusional fanaticism.

Drug-addled Fairtrade consumerists

Ah, the delights of consumerism: a trust-fund and conveniently easy access to a cheap backstreet ‘pot’ dealer. What could go better with that Fairtrade chocolate than a pouch of herbal goodness from a child slavery ring in Columbia?     

Bourgeois Tate Modernists

The Leftist heart cannot help but be set aflame by the latest artistic bunkum. Monochrome prints of grey buildings, taken by cameras with fashionably large lenses, and sold throughout Soho as a surrealist journey into urban counter culture. Then again, that’s irony.