Prime Minister David Cameron during a visit to the new Jaguar Land Rover engine factory in Wolverhampton. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Friday February 14, 2014. Photo credit should read: Joe Giddens/PA Wire


It’s the biggest political event of the week. No, not the Lib Dem conference, or the Greek elections. Not Jeremy Corbyn wearing a suit. It’s the revelation that David Cameron, the leader of the United Kingdom, and the man that represents you and me on the world stage, put his cock inside the mouth of a dead pig*.

The natural reaction to this kind of news is one of shock and disbelief. “What a disgusting and weird thing to do” you may be thinking. You would be right, of course, if you were applying this situation to most people. But David Cameron is not most people – he is our Prime Minister – and fucking a pig in the skull is simply one of the many things he has done to get the job.

Imagine the G8 have a meeting, and ham sandwiches are served. Everyone in the room tries to avoid looking at David Cameron, the British representative. Putin offers Cameron a sandwich. Cameron declines, and goes red in the face. Merkel stifles a snigger, whilst Obama suddenly gets very interested in a policy document. The atmosphere in the room is palpably tense – you can almost taste the awkwardness. It is not just Cameron that has become a laughing stock. So has Britain. Rightfully so: only in our democracy does fucking a pig increase your chances of becoming prime minister.

Because, in Cameron’s case, that is exactly what it did. If David Cameron never put his penis inside a dead pig’s mouth, or didn’t perform similar initiations at Oxford University, he wouldn’t have been able to join the societies and mix in the influential circles that he did. Those Oxbridge societies allow certain people in society – the elite – to network and help each other succeed. Whilst he inserted his penis into the cold, dead mouth of the pig, David Cameron may have even imagined he was inserting a key into the door of number 10, Downing Street.

If Cameron didn’t fuck a pig, he wouldn’t have had those powerful connections, and it is not beyond the realms of speculation that without them he would’ve had a tougher time rising to the upper echelons of the Conservative party. Of course, fucking a pig isn’t a golden ticket to world domination, and there have been British Prime Ministers who haven’t fucked pigs, but the real point here is one about elitism in our society, and a dead pig being orally raped is a very visceral and emotive way of making this point.

David Cameron wouldn’t have had to fuck the pig if our society was more equal, and if these Oxbridge student societies had less power. If we lived in a more meritocratic country, where being born into privilege didn’t guarantee gaining further privilege, then perhaps that pig would have had more dignity in death.

However, we don’t live in that society, and the fact remains that if David Cameron had not put his penis in a dead pig’s mouth, he may well not have become the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.