Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
OMG have you seen ‘the Great Gatsby’? NO? Don’t bother. Baz Luhrmann is a hack.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Although the last few months of constant exams and essays have taken their toll on you, heroin chic (spurned on by global obsessions with thigh gaps) is back in vogue, so the gaunt, emaciated and glass eyed look you’ve been rocking of late will really start working for you. The Gold Rush is coming, and you’re going to be filthy rich.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
With Jupiter casting its ominous and quite frankly unwelcome shadow all over your sign over the next few months, you’re going to have a troublesome time finding summer work. Please remember that this isn’t the fault of immigrants, or the EU for that matter. Vocalising support for UKIP will just make you look like a bitter c–––.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
As robotic, neo-con harridan Ann Coulter once said, ‘I love to engage in repartee with people who are stupider than I am’. She doesn’t understand irony, and neither do you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
For those of you gorgeous Scorpios graduating this year, it’s worth you remembering this quote from niche actress and belligerent fellow Scorpio Chloe Sevigny, ‘Actors rarely stay in touch with directors after they’ve filmed together. We go back to real life’. The same is true of the ‘friends’ you’ve tolerated over the past few years. Let the facebook cull begin.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
For many well-bred Sagittarians out there, last month was one marked by joyous returns: all your friends returned from the Easter break and, more importantly, Arrested Development returned to our screens. Hold on to these happy memories during the next few months, when the graduates among you return home to live with your parents for the foreseeable future, with no money and no job prospects.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
With the government finally moving on gay marriage, this month you’ll find yourself emboldened to come out to those who love you. Don’t stress too much about it – they’d already pretty much figured. No straight man makes that many RuPaul references. If you don’t know who that is, you’re not gay, just confused.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
According to Melisandre, fictional priestess from the Game of Thrones universe and, for these purposes, fellow Aquarian, ‘the night is dark, and full of terrors’. This will also be true for you during the Thick as Thieves Dirty Bird Event. Try not to embarrass yourself.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
With summer very nearly upon us, you fishy little Pisces will be longing to return to your natural, watery environment or, more specifically, the beach. Please remember that Exeter isn’t on the beach and that British summers are always cold and shit, so stop walking around in swimming gear. The winter has not been kind.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your fellow, fun-loving Aries Otto von Bismarck once remarked that “the making of laws is like the making of sausages – the less you know about the process the more you respect the results”. The same is true of dissertations. So shut up about it. Literally no one cares.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You are confident. You are man. You are sexy. You are everything a woman wants. You are a perfect physical specimen. You are going to show her. She will screen cap your snap chat. You will be mortified. Keep yourself to yourself, for the time being.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Light-hearted scaremonger and infamous Gemini Enoch Powell once warned that immigration and race mixing would lead to ‘a river of blood’ on the streets of Britain. Whilst this sanguine flood obviously never came to be, your personal one will definitely appear. So don’t worry, you’re just late.